Sanity
There was a day when you promised me you'd never hurt me,
that you'd always be by my side,
shower me with kisses,
and fulfill all my wishes.
You said you'd make me happy.
And you did, for a while.
I thought we were doing great,
newly married, still on our honeymoon
We never fought for a single thing.
I was feeling so safe,
dazzled by how easy relationships are
and how lucky I am to find 'the one' on a first try.
I gave you my all, trusting that you'd have my back.
But then, without any warning, when I wasn't looking, you stab me in the heart.
I didn't see that coming, though the signs were there and people were warning me, I was blind.
I wish I would've known that you'd only break my heart.
I wish I would've known, that all you say is lies.
Maybe I would've been able to save myself?
Maybe I would've chosen a different path, far from you.
But I was blinded by the puppet show you created for me.
So there you go, first breaking me and then begging me to stay,
swearing it was a mistake.
Swearing you'd fix what you've broken.
And I am drowning, unable to decide whether to breathe underwater or above it.
Can't open my mouth to scream for help, though I really need it.
I am just falling deeper into the unknown darkness.
While the darkness eats me I feel I'm dying inside, or at least I wish I would be
because this feeling is killing me.
But despite all the pain, my fool heart still reaches for you in hope for help,
and it kills me even more.
"Why on earth I seek refugee from the one who destroyed me?"
Shouts my brain, but my heart, once again, doesn't listen anymore.
And still, it wonders, why so painful it is to be in your arms, and why no longer they feel safe.
So painful it is to hear you speaking of love when all it must be is lies.
And how insane it is that whilst I am yet to decide do I even want to live,
I still let you think that there is a chance.
And you don't have even a clue about that what's going inside me.
I see how hard you try to understand what you've done,
though still only able to see a portion of the damage.
But yet still, why after all the shitty choices you made,
you ask for me to convince you that I'm worth fighting for?
We never argued or fought in past and now when I wish you would fight for me,
you make yourself the victim and ask me to fight for you.
How messed up is that.
You try to force me to take the blame for your own mistakes.
Why you are breaking my mentality while claiming you love me?
I know I have the right to my feelings,
but how can it be, that still in my own pain I still consider your feelings to be a priority?
For I pity to see you in the struggle, as you're unable to bear to see the pain you yourself caused,
and so to make you free from your own prison, I pretend all is fine.
But what a mistake was that.
For nothing has changed.
For a while, I thought it's all in the past and the future started to seem brighter than before.
But now I see the truth behind the shadows.
It's all fine as long as you get what you want, no matter the price.
I saw your dark side and how violent you can be, but still,
my fool heart couldn't believe that you seriously just don't care.
I wish my eyes would've open up on the time i first saw the signs,
How stupid i was to hope for the best, when the truth is that you really don't care,
not even if I lose my sanity, not even if i get sick,
nothing matters, as long as you get what you want.
You drive me insane with your aloofness, for my heart doesnt understand it
even tough it sometimes makes me feel like you steal all my oxygen away,
Even if i struggle to breath, my heart still keeps hoping for best.
Part of me already knows that you're not good for me anymore,
But still the other part of me is trying forcefully to keep loving you.
Even tough I know you will keep trying to break me until i do.
You'll forcefully make me into what you want me to be
and if id be sane, id run from you
but as you've taken my sanity,
i join your company, and watch the flames, while you destroy me.
And how fool i am,
I think i am in control of the situation?
During all these years only once i have tought that this is enough,
only once till now, i've felt that i cant do this anymore.
I was scared but willing to try to survive without you.
For a split second, i thought, breaking up is probably the only option left,
but as if its really even an possiblity.
I've thought that i can run at any time i want,
but if i could for real, why i would allow all this if i have a chance to choose ?
And how no one notices this?
It hurts to be left alone under this weight you force me to carry,
but especially it hurts, that no one notices
No one notice the difference in me while i'm in pain
compared to what i was before.
My only hope is to believe that i can rise from the ashes
and that my legs will still carry after it.
My only hope is to keep hoping, that it'll get better.
Tough i know, my hope is gone.
I know if i dont run from this relationship,
it will, for real, someday, kill me.
The only thing left uncertain is,
wether you'll do it yourself,
or force me to do that as well.
